Although not strictly a Christmas movie as this abomination is set (that’s right you guessed it) on New Year’s Eve, Gary Marshall’s movie is so insipid it may as well be called Happy Jolly Christmas Love Story.

Love Actually has a lot to answer for, Richard Curtis’ ensemble rom-com is directly  responsible for Marshall’s hateful Valentine’s Day and this sorry mess.

Just like Love Actually, New Year’s Eve inflicts eight separate stories on its audience, but that’s where the similarities end as Marshall gives us a collection of empty characters and dumb storylines to endure. Perhaps the most insulting thing about the movie is the fact that Marshall has assembled a talented cast, 20 odd well know faces all given sod all to do. Rachel Berry from Glee is trapped in a lift with Ashton Kutcher, Katherine Heigl is in love with Jon Bon Jovi, Sarah Jessica Parker tries to bond with her daughter and….I’m sorry, but I can’t be bothered to list the rest of these time life movie plots of nothingness. Only Robert De Niro is given a measure of dignity with his story as a dying man who only wants to see the famous Time Square celebrations one last time.

The trailer practically shoves its faux happiness down your throat; it wants you to think this movie will be a good time with its jam-packed cast and bloated running time. The truth is, the whole movie is basically about nothing, mostly good looking people have non-problems and resolve said non-problems in the most generic way possible. The End. It is a sad day when an appearance from Gary Marshall staple Héctor Elizondo fails to raise a smile, but that day was New Year’s Eve.

This Funny or Die spoof gives us a glimpse at what a Gary Marshall Christmas Day movie would look like; I hope the day never comes when Marshall makes this a nightmarish reality.

You might be filled with stars on screen New Year’s Eve, but you get no stars from us. I know we award green hearts, but you get what I mean.